When the lovers quarrel and everyone wants to insist on his own, accusations, depreciation and even insults are used. If such conflicts are repeated, relations are threatened. Clinical psychologist Randy Gunter told how to return the ability to peacefully solve disputes.
When couples seek advice, I ask them to remember how they solved
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conflicts at the beginning of a relationship. The majority did not behave so aggressive. They realized that the boundaries could not cross, they could argue and at the same time show care of each other.
However, they argue that now the conflicts have become so painful that it is not possible to solve them softly. I insist: if you want to and practice strongly, this is possible. Here is a small exercise. Feeling an attack of aggression, you need to take your partner by the hands, look into his eyes and freeze for a few minutes. A person calms down and can no longer continue the quarrel.
Then remember how you acted before and what you are doing now. A comparison will help change the relationship for the better. Let’s look at the five typical actions of the partner in the conflict and your reactions to each of them.
1. It unfolds and leaves
Sometimes one of the partners simply leaves. Another cannot stop, does not stop accusing and provoke to continue the quarrel. The first one or nothing answers, or returns to the “battlefield” with fresh forces.
When the partner turns to leave, try to remember how you would behave when you were in love with. You could ask him to stay? You would say something like: “I understand, you are upset due to what I said. And you don’t like how I behave. But I don’t want you to leave. Please stay and tell me how you feel “.
If you say the same thing today, the partner will feel care and understand what can safely discuss his feelings with you.
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